i write from my heart, based on what and how i feel..not to impress others, but to satisfy myself

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


collecting the remnants of the broken me
time glides, still my dimension remains
counting and weighing, still, i'm here in this very cubicle
never changed, never moved
the stirrings within, is more like turbulence storming inside
why cant i see, why cant i hear,
why am i deaf, why am i mute
here i am
collecting the remaining pieces of me

collecting the remnants of broken me
tears came forth, knees furled up to my chest
dark, hands covering the face
i've been here before
now i'm here again
collecting the remaining pieces of me

collecting the remnants of broken me
is it wrong to understand
to hope
to dream
after all, this is no wonderland
aware of the roller coaster ride,
but never thought it would hurt this much
when tender words are expected
when what really wanted is the feeling of being wanted,
being owned
its just too much

collecting the remaining pieces of me

all i want is to belong somewhere
where i actually mean something

**currently listening to pieces by sum 41


Thursday, November 11, 2010

those micro cuts deep inside

how does it feels when your everything is not good enough?reality check, it hurts...thoughts will come running, one after another..and when everything is not good enough to make up for the unpleasant past, there will be a point where you doubt, almost everything related, even the very beginning of it.

the thoughts and the doubts that arise, they are ugly, they really are..makes you glance to your past, thinking of all the decisions made, all the words said, all the promises made and kept (and broken) and it vexes you so much that inside you grow numb. trying to ignore the thing gnawing inside, it is not that you are being ignorant, but you care so much that it causes you less pain when you ignore the fact that you were never good enough.

sometimes, love is just not enough...and sometimes, love is the reason that you suppress everything deep inside, though you know the truth..bak kate pepatah, love the way you lie (cewahh..sejak bile plak ade pepatah baru ni dlm DBP pny kamus)...all those little lie said to protect the heart, actually hurts the most when you know the truth, a lie

after all, everything in life is perfectly imperfect :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

everything is so damn NEW!!

phew..barely 2 weeks here in Malacca..and to be frank, i actually dont have anything particular to be settled..at the moment, i'm waiting for my new (le sgt..padehal nk clear umah quarters je..ngahahahaha)  house to be habitable...suddenly i realized that starting to actually live out on your own is not an easy task..ma & ayah, i wonder what kind of problems u went through when u decided to raise a family..uishh..unthinkable n at the same time, scary...i have a few things to clear (api la, air la, contractor fee la..bla bla bla) and not to mention mental preparation to live alone in a 5-room house which was inhabited for like more than 5 months..huisshh..sedikit seram, and i'm hoping for the best and prepared for the worst..

currently, i'm perching on my desk, thinking of what to be done as my free-time fillers as i dont have any class to teach (ujung sem sude...) and being org baru, biasala, nk tegur lebih2 pn rs gerun itu masih ada..haishh...and again, reality check, baru je smpai ni...esok ok kot (ayat sedap ati..ehehehehe)

haish2..looking frward to meet my students next sem *hiyah!hiyah!* xsabar nk bg diorg rase ape yg aku rase dulu *hahahahahaha* (sile ketawa dlm tone evil eh) :D

Sunday, October 10, 2010

too hurt to care~

it is stressed here that i write to express myself, not to impress others..sebarang komen kondem-mengkondem, tidak akn dilayan (perrgghh), since i'm writing about what i feel at the moment :|

i wonder why people around me take me easy, like "its ok to do whatever, u can sweet-talk her and things will be fine"? like they can do whatever (breaking promises, say whatever) coz in the end, i "wouldn't mind" and i'll "be fine...kalau merajuk k marah k, sekejap je" well, actually, i DO mind, i am NOT fine everytime people do stuffs like that to me.

yes, i MIND when promises were broken,i MIND when things intended for me were given to somebody else (coz i never do that to people), i MIND when people were playing nice with me, i MIND when people leave me alone dangling, i DAMN MIND when people write and/or say thing behind my back yet acting miss goody-goody in front me, and i FUCKIN MIND when people treat me like i stupid, like i'm not gonna be able to find out about all the bitching and shit done on my very back...WELL I'M NOT AN OPTION! if people want me to treat them like a PRIORITY, why dont learn to do the same?

tired of being a puppet (mcm pinocchio bile kne tgkap ngan org jahat). i am a grown up, treat me like one..don't tell me what to do, each and every time. stop telling me how to make decisions..for like 24 years, i make my own decisions, i learn not to burden others, i spend most of my time ALONE when i really needed someone to guide me through....i dont need people to babysit me now, i NEEDED them then, not now. i'm a girl, not someone's wife...so please stop treating girls like they are married with 4 kids. there are no strings attached, you might wake up tomorrow, and poof, the girl is not there...i need some air to breathe, some space to grow...

the truth is, i'm just too hurt to care..and no, i'm not writing this post because i had a fight with someone. this is just something suppressed inside for too long and need a room to burst

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

its my little world

i live in a small world of my own. A handful of good friends which also includes my family and my dear partner. as far as i could remember, i have always have this little world surrounding me...i'm not good in making friends and even worse in getting attached in a relationship. because of my nature, people tend to take me as an icy cold, ignorant of what going on around me. well, the truth is, i'm just scared of all the people around me, and i prefer staying close of what i believe wont make me shrink.

a small world of my own also includes those cute furry little animals. i used to think that pets are better friends compared to people, because cats dont talk back, they dont make me cry and most importantly, they love me sincerely and i know it. but then, i met some very good people who changed my view of life.

in my little world, i also created some dreams of what and who to be included in my life. my idealistic side normally tells me to live like those in romantic vampire novels while my practical side, tells me to WAKE UP!!but then, itz ok, coz its my little world..my little secret world.

nothing thrills me even more than being able to find someone who can share my views and thoughts..i seldom speak up, because some may take me wrong and say things like i'm being radical. i love sharing ideas, thoughts and even arguments, i simply dont know why it gives me so much satisfaction..maybe because i gain something new in the end...

and finally, i think my little world is better now with a little help from my little firefly...only He knows how i feel lucky to have someone who can help me think straight and most importantly, share my views and thoughts in many aspects; from daily life till philosophy...

i love my little world...
itz little, but itz my little happy world

Saturday, September 4, 2010

racism, politik dan agama di facebook T_T

firstly, i would like to stress here, this post is an opinion or maybe more accurately described as outcome of what i've seen in fb lately..this has nothing to do with politic or whatsoever...

i am quite observant of how some current issues effect the flow of "pages" in facebook. starting with the principal giving "racist statements", yang mane aku sendiri dikenalkn thru fb (thru my sis actually) yg tnjuk gambar police report regarding the matter made by a student. secara jujur, my first respond was, macam mane seorg cikgu boleh ckp mcm ni??pelajar 2 amanah guru, wajib kita ni mengajar tanpa sebarang prejudism tak kire la ape latar belakang pelajar 2, warna kulit, bangsa apatah lg agama. but that was it la...xde further comment da..sbb kl kite buat salah, xkire la kite ni sape, kt pay for what we did...

 then i saw, pages and pages being created in fb...ade plak bkait dgn politik, kaitkan dgn racism, ade page sokong, ade page kutuk....admin siap pesan 2, jgn kaitkn dgn isu bangsa mahupun agama..tp komen-komen yg aku nampak, nauzubillah, sama naik....xkire ape bangse, same je maki2, hina2...pelik, sejak bile islam halalkn kt hina org lain?n sejak bile budaya kt ni ade warna2 memaki dan menghina??

bile mencuri, org akn kene hukum....xde pn nk kene kait dgn bangsa...so, i observed..tgk jela kn...xde pn rase nk sibuk2 kat wall k ape..juz bace, tgk flow...tp bile pndang statement hina agama, xtau la rasa tersentuh sgt...sebak rs hati bile isu agama jadi mainan emosi...saya xpernah hina org agama lain, sbb kl org lain hina agama saya, saya marah...i'm not trying to act innocent, or berlagak suci...tapi, agama 2 kn isu sensitif..i'm done with comments yg mengutuk sesama sendiri....tolonglah bukak mata..

we live in a multi-racial country...kt ada mcm2 bangsa..the only way we can live together is by respecting one another. EARN RESPECT bukan dgn memaki o merendahkan org lain...i'm not being racist..i am a walking proof of anti-racism, my bloodlines include both indian and malay blood..so my xtra xtended family ada macam2 bangsa.....jd jgn accuse saya being racist when i speak out my mind.

hanya kerana saya cintakan bangsa saya, bukan bermaksud saya ULTRA-MELAYU
hanya kerana saya sayang agama saya, bukan bermaksud saya FANATIK AGAMA
hanya kerana saya ada pegangan sendiri, bukan bermaksud saya BERKIBLATKAN POLITIK
saya cuma seorang rakyat MALAYSIA yang beragama Islam

untuk maju, kita x boleh sekadar tuding jari, maki memaki, cakap bercakap tanpa sebarang tindakan..we have to wake up and strive. bak kata Hang Tuah,

"takkan Melayu hilang di dunia"

tapi, kalau kita tak belajar berdikari dan majukan diri, tak mustahil kita hilang di tanah kita sendiri...akhlak, ilmu dan akhlak kene seiring...

p/s: untuk renungan

kerana link inilah saya menulis...jgn kerana salah seorg, habis semua disalahkan, habis isu agama dikaitkan...mungkin ade akn berkata, bnde yg xjelas..tp pd aku, utk hidup bersama, kt kene avoid some of OUR nation's taboo words. :)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

patience and keep on rolling -__-"

nearly 4months now....and suddenly i feel like i cant just sit n watch..i need to break free...gosh, sometimes, i feel like things are really hard and i really really feel like quitting and walk away.it stuns me though how people you've known for your entirely life claim that they know you inside out, but the truth is they have nothing but vague ideas about you.
and for the very first time in my life, i feel like i've lost this battle. and it hurts me the most when people who i thought understands me the most, only know how to put the blame on me, instead of supporting me....what i need right now, is not i love u and stuffs, but a fren who can listen to me crying.....
i really feel like crawling to a corner and cry...
yeah, congratz, i juz made a fool of myself, again

Saturday, July 31, 2010

words, stands, belief @_@

words are hidden spears that strikes through the heart...and sometimes they hurt a lot more than any physical contact..wounds may heal, but words remain..i dont know about others, but thats how things are for me...

lately, i've my judgments are rather blurred by words, actually strong words uttered by powerful people around me. and at those moments, to be honest, i feel like backing off..coz no matter how hard i try, it doesnt happen in the way that i expected...so far, i feel like i've been living my life according to my rule, and holding tight to things that i believe is right...i can accept criticism (if delivered in a not "menyakitkn ati" way) but i can never forget or forgive accusations...and i hate it when people make their own conclusions about me or stuffs related to me, without even have the courtesy to ask whether the thing is right or wrong

but again, we can never expect people to treat us (the way we wanted) nicely...itz about heart, and again, its my heart..it suffocates me when people around keep pointing fingers to others when, they themselves refused to listen nor accept things that different from what they believe...excuse me, but there are always more than one way of getting the right answer...i believe that there is no right or wrong, the only thing there is diversity

for example,i hate it when couples curse their partners whenever they're in a fight...personally, i detest it, coz it shows that u're paying no respect at all to ur partner at all...but, that is my opinion, my stand,my belief...some may strongly disagree, and i have to agree coz its their life and not mine..but, personally, i can never imagine myself spending the rest of my life with someone who cant even respect that little request. i dont curse u, and u dont do that to me

staying at home, had really done something to me and the inner me....i learn not to argue when it comes to elders...i learn to keep my mouth shut and listen (i can always cry later :D) but, who knows, mybe that gonna turn me into an aggressive teacher when i'm start teaching..heeee

trying my best to be positive....Ya Allah, shape me, bend me, and mold me so i can be better than the way i was yesterday...Aamiin

Saturday, July 17, 2010

tears are the words that heart cannot say??

i came across this beautiful quote when i was randomly liking quotes in my FB. staring at the words, i couldn't agree more with the quote. we cry when we are overwhelmed with feelings, when there's no word can explain the way we feel. at this moment, i am really hoping that i can shed some tears, so i can let go this huge bulk inside me...somehow, i cant....and it hurts me even more coz i cannot express whatever i keep bottled within me. rage, anger, disappointment, frustation, broken, lost....u name it...i'm on war, with my two best buddies inside me; my brain vs. my heart.

spending too much time at home, doing nothing had taken the toll upon me..where i'm at a turning point; i find it really hard to understand and grasp the things going on around me...suddenly, i feel like everything around me is moving so damn fast and surprisingly, i dont seem to fit in..like a loose piece that would never stick to the puzzle, no matter how hard i try...

i find it really hard to trust what people say, really hard to let them understand what and how things are going on inside my head. i seem to be alienated from my very ideal version of life...there is a part inside me, longing to bury my head in books, and suddenly i miss the adrenaline rush, the stress and the sleepless nights when i was completing my final year project. i miss doing something that i like, something that i'm good at. doing nothing, listening to words without being able to do something about it hurts me. and it hurts me even more when the people i thought knew me inside out, treats me the same way...all i ever wanted is a place where i really belong, without being judged, without being accused of doing things that i will never do, even in my dreams...a place where i fit in, and a heart where i can dwell...i'm feeling the feeling that i promised not to ever feel again, the feeling that i havent felt for like 2 years..A.L.O.N.E

right now, listening to My Immortal by Evanescence and praise to Him,tears are coming down now
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

Monday, July 5, 2010

is it just me being emo, or am i just being disappointed??

when i feel this way, it felt like i made a mistake. itz a mistake for expressing how and what i felt (though it was meant in a very positive way), maybe its better for me to keep all those feelings (happy, sad o whatsoever) bottled inside me cause it hurts me a lot when what i get is so far away from what i hoped for...

there are moments when a girl wants to be appreciated, and if she's attached, she hopes that she's d love of his life..it wont take years to make the guy realize that fact, and if it does, dont need to mention it to the girl coz it does not do anything good except for breaking her heart.

a girl expects her partner to respect her, to see her as a partner (who needs to be protected from the mean world). but, when the partner himself drops her down, then something is just not right...there is a fine line between a joke and insult, and be careful with your play of words...words, they stay a whole lot longer than any physical contact itself...well it hurts, especially when the words are not accompanied with insults. she does not expect to be showered by love all the time, but the least she needs is to be insulted in front of others.
itz an ugly world out there..the only place left to feel warmth is in the love and bond between two people..have u given love and warmth to ur partner?think, before its too late. dont look into her words, look into her eyes..coz eyes never cheat

writing from the heart may again be a wrong act, yet, i write to express myself, not to impress others.

***i just wanna close my eyes and not wake up....i wish i could T_T

Sunday, July 4, 2010

and i thought my heart was a machine.....

feeling hot n feverish....been so busy playing with my latest sweetheart, dearest alip...hee..never thought that i'd say this, but, yeah..kids are CUTE and babies are SO SWEET

 this is mista alip

 this is my dear chubby n sweet alip..comey sgt2, xreti mngis, senyum je manjang...for the first time, i am liking a kid, other than my younger siblings and i'm loving this feeling, in fact, i think i'm addicted to it..hehehehe

during my nearly 2months staying here at home, i discovered so many new things. i found out that each n every girl have the capacity of being a good mother or even a good sister. i'm never fond of kids, yet, kids seem to love clinging onto me...here at home, to kill time, i give 3 girls (two twelve years old n an 11 years old) home tutoring, helping them with their upcoming UPSR. i think that i'm being really2 straight with them, yet, they come to me almost every afternoon and even to the extend of having sleepovers (at my place..pelik!!)

i spend days thinking of this, until one day i saw my mom cuddling little alip...he's about 10months now, starting to walk n havent learned to speak yet...he'd be really excited when he sees my mom, or when he heard my mom's voice...at that moment, i knew something...everyone, including toddlers know who cares and loves them...alip is not related to us by blood, he just happen to be a neighbor's kid...yet, he loves being here (tiap2 kali nmpk ktorg je die excited..bwk balik umah lg die suke)

it doesnt matter how u treat the kids, but if u are sincere and doing things for their benefit, kids do know....i think, thats how bonds are being created in the world....dont u agree?

**listening to him snoring..heeee..so damn cute..sweet dreams dear XOXO

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


kadang-kadang, saya cuma mahu dgr kamu cakap saya comel...tapi, kamu slalu ckp saye ngade2..

kadang-kadang, saya mahu dengar kamu beritahu saya, saya penting untuk kamu(walaupun slalunya saya wat tak pedulik je)

tapi, kamu slalu anggap saya memang xpeduli

kadang-kadang, bila saya beritahu yang saya sangat rindu kamu, saya harap sgt kamu *mmuahh* (x2 pn xpe..hahahaha) kat saya

tapi, kamu slalu cakap "ye..saye pn same" (ton xde prasaan)

kadang-kadang, saye suke tanya kamu pasal pompuan mn lg cantik (padehal saya nk kamu ckp die xcantik pn...hahahaha)

tapi kamu slalu xnk jawap (plg xpun kene marah sbb tny soklan bodo)

kadang-kadang, saya xpedulik langsung kat kamu (saya nk kamu tau yg saya tgh tunjuk perasaan)

tapi kamu selalu xamek port pun (penat je wat2 dingin T_T)

kadang-kadang, saya suka wat2 manja dengan kamu

tapi kamu cakap saya gedik (kecik ati T_T)

kadang-kadang, saya marah kamu supaya kamu dgr kata hati saya

tapi kamu marah saya balik, kamu cakap saya membebel (isk isk isk)

kadang-kadang, saya cuba buat baik dengan kamu, sebab kamu penat

tapi, kamu selalu lepas geram pada saya

kadang-kadang, bila saya mahu kamu romantik (lagi-lagi depan member)

tapi, kamu join diorang plak (siap bg idea lebih2 plak T_T)

kadang-kadang, saya nk bercerita panjang dengan kamu

tapi kamu buat xdengar jek (sampai ati kamu T_T)

kadang-kadang, saya menangis malam2 sebab kamu

tapi, kamu xtau..sebab kamu da tidur T_T

kadang-kadang, saya sedih sangat2

tapi, kamu xpernah biar saya menangis sendiri....kamu selalu temankan saya, gembirakan ati saya

kadang-kadang, saya mahu kamu jadi hero idaman saya...

tapi, kamu layankan je...sambil membuktikan kamu itu kamu (dan hero itu fake =_=")

kadang-kadang, kamu buat saya rasa kamu ni orang paling jahat di muka bumi

tapi, dalam hati, saya tau..xde org lain yang lebih risaukan saya berbanding kamu (xtermasuk mak, bapak, kakak, adik, abang dll)

kadang-kadang, kita terfikir apakah perkara terbaik dalam hidup kita
tapi, kita selalu terlepas pandang, apa dan siapa yang ada disamping kita

n thank God, i have u

Thursday, June 24, 2010

itz a gurl moment....

mmmm..girls are always being associated with being jealous, controlling and all sort of negative connotation of feelings. well, we're not!!..what a girl need is the feeling of security and appreciated. a guy can befriend 1200++ other girls , as long as the guy is honest about it, and at the same time pays a bit of attention of the manner of the friendship itself...simple..a girl freaks out if she feels like someone gonna snatch her man off its a mutual thing..you give and you take, and you share....a girl would wait, if she thinks that the guy is worth waiting for...
before blaming the girls, think of the "WHAT", "WHY" and "HOW". you know your partner a lot better than anyone else.
stop saying stupid things like;

i) we were friends for 85years, then only we became couples - this is a total bullshit because a friend is always so damn different when you're attached

ii)hey, it was a joke...xpyhla nk merajuk2 - excuse me, kl stakat bergurau, mn ade manusia nk merajuk???

iii) isshh..asek merajuk..saya BOSAN!! - ye, saye pn BOSAN dgn awak....

i could enlist a lot more, but these are some of the examples...

its a mutual trust, of giving and receiving..guys should learn to accept girls' hunch, coz sometimes it is true...respect partners, equally

still, when people say females are sensitive over males, well, i totally DISAGREE coz in earth, BITCHES do exist..

p/s: i personally despise school flunks (girls of course) who act like they are some kind of perfect porcelain beauty queens..u make me wanna puke

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

so many girlz stuff...LOL

i feel like i havent been updating my blog for centuries!!
so many things happened, and many of them are SOOOO interesting (for me la kan) hehehehe...

nearly two months at home, i have decided to keep my hair(i heard that!!)..hahaha...itz a request made by someone really special, hence, i decided to give it a try...huuu...dunno for how long i can keep it up...talking bout hair, i found out that by applying henna to ur hair, ur hair becomes fuller and softer, a lot better than applying a whole bunch of hair cream...hair masks also do the job well..(since i'm too lazy to do the henna stuff, i opt for the latter ;p)

mmm...age never goes down...demmit...i feel like i'm getting old, and i browsed through some of my dad's book collection and found out a great fact...TOOTHPASTE CAN BE USED AS ZIT CREAM, and guess what, IT WORKS! in two days time, the zit will *poof*..NO MORE ZITS..hehehe

i have so many things to add..hee, next session, here i come XD

Saturday, April 17, 2010

tonight's moon is for mourning

there were days when the sun shone
brilliantly yet burning
the heat, firing every inch of the body
every inch of the soul
damn, it was hot
the only thing that fueled the journey
was will,
was strength,
was hope
that when the night appears,
there will be no more heat,
no more pain,
the sweat would worth, every single drop of them..
in the scorching heat, the journey was continued
hoping when the moon is there
no more pain, no more sweat
only cool breeze, cooling every single inch of the fatigue soul
the dimness of the moonlight, would bring serenity
bringing joyful tear amidst the calamity
there were also time,
when the nights finally anchored its ship,
there was no cool breeze,
the night was silent,
no sound at all,
leaving the soul,
stranded alone in misery,
there was no joyful tears,
only tears,
befalling on tired cheeks
hopes starts to diminish,
that is my night
where the moon is for mourning
my mourning T_T

Monday, April 12, 2010

hai la hati T_T

jiwa xtenang..maka xlalu nk kecek london...uuuuuuu...rasenye seminggu ni pale otak mmg xleh nk berhenti berfikir...mcm ade byk sgt hal that needs to be taken into consideration..need consider on my studies (kene pulun kl nk bg lepas cgpa), financial (ujung2 sem kn...) and emotions as well...byk sgt bnde...the past and the present being intertwined, sedikit sebanyak mengeruhkan hati dan perasaan yang sedia keruh ni......

tgh2 cmni, kene jauh2 plak..adei...barula tau how it feels to be alone (b4 ni alone jgk, tp beliau selalu ade utk berkongsi)...bile bnde cmni, rase mcm ade a really big hole, trase kosong....sbb rasenye, sjk ade die, pndai da la nk kongsi2 masalah, nk senyum sensorg, naik angin gile2 pas2 terime n memaafkan.....byk sgt bnde yg dapat sejak ade beliau ni....even mulut sedikit jahat, tp bak kate beliau, xpenah la nk biar diri sensorg, mnangis dlm gelap (dulu sgt selalu..yela..pale keras mcm batu, xnk tnjuk kat org)..jadi salah k kl aku pilih utk bergerak ke dpn, tinggalkan ape yg aku rase bkn jiwa aku?n salah k kalo pastu aku pilih utk xnk pndang blkg lg n go on dgn ape yg ade dgn aku (or dgn ape yg bersisa dalam diri aku)? mmmm, senangnye la wat keputusan..bile rase kt xdpt ape yg kt nk, tuding jari kat org lain, smbil kuar air mate bahawa "saye ni mngse..die 2 wat saye camni".....bnde 2 kn xbetul..kenapa nk bg dunia tgk bnde yg pd kt xadil untuk kt, even kt tau, bnde 2 asal dari kt?

xfaham dgn whatever happened in the past..tp sndiri pn gatal jgak...nk jgak turn back, eceh, konon2 rndu..padehal xde mende pn...pada pandangan aku, HIDUP INI SGT IRONIK...aku xtau pasal hidup org len (stakat 23+ thn ni, aku jd sheela je..xde plak aku jd sesumpah)..tp normally aku akan (telah) disakiti oleh org yg aku anggp penting dalam hidup aku..oleh org yg aku anggap sgt faham aku, yg kenal aku, yg tau ati aku...xksahla dari segi ape pn..love life k, friendship k...
dari dulu, yg akn wat aku trsungkur ialah org yg sgt dear to my heart...n aku sendiri pn kdg2 da tau, tp nk jgak....manusia ni lemah, aku ni lemah...sng sgt dibuai arus..kene slalu pit-stop, pikir ape yg aku nk..ape yg aku perlu...

aku tau, hidup xsemestinye kene senyum spjg mase..n aku bersyukur sbnrnye stiap kali aku ngis 2, sbb pas2 aku akn stop n pikir..ape salah aku..pada beliau yg dulu, salah aku sbb walk away..tp bkn salah aku kl aku pilih untuk xnk mcm dulu...aku pn reti serik kot...tp bile nmpak statement2 yg mnyakitkan ati (yela, macam ko xwat salah kat aku la..byk cantik muke ko..bnde yg ko wat pn jadi salah aku...like2 ur heart g ngadu kat org ramai..abes aku ni nk ngadu nk sape??), terusik jugak ati ni...bergenang jgk air mate ni...after all, aku ni still lg pompuan kot....

2 satu balamalaika...tgh time emo2 ni, beliau xde...uuuuu..encek, pat balik T_T nk mngadu lg doblas ratus masalah.......

sparuh ati au berharap yg beliau yg dulu 2 akan bace bnde alah ni (moge ko tau betape sakitnye ati ngan ko, sbb ko xtau nk jg ape yg ade pd ko...bile da ilang, ko xnk tgk kat mn salahnye, tp suke2 ati nk slamatkan diri dgn salahkan org..typical escapism...bongok)

untuk encek beliau, mmmmmmm....mmmmmm.....isk isk isk....xtau nk ngadu kat sape..bebel dalam blog je...wuwuwuwuwu

Saturday, April 10, 2010

escapism or self-defense mechanism??

since i have a lot free time lately, i've been thinking a lot ...people have their own reason of why they are the way they are...a lot of factors influencing our behavior and attitude, parents, friends, peers and even environment (rase mcm nk bagi lecture psychology plak..tp xde kaitan pn..nk menjustify diri pny ayat..hihihih) well, i guess the same applies to myself.

nearly 24 years of breathing the air in this very earth, i think that 17 years of my life have taken much toll upon me (yela..baru2 lahir smpai umur 7 tahun, aku rase aku jiwa suci lg murni....xde keciwa2 nih) i started my school year in a girls' school..so the environment there was really like happy2, suci2 (sile bygkan background bunge2 ye)..however, when i moved to an SK in a really kampung area, things started to change as i start to perceive my surroundings in a different way...well, when i say kampung, its not like i meant it in a wrong way...they are really nice people, but they are not used to people or stuffs different than theirs...damn i was different, i was the only budak separa melayu (campur kakak aku) in d school and there was no non-Malay students in the school..it was d first time ever i feel like i'm an alien (sume ushar pelik kat aku..yela 1st day g skolah pkai pinafore..org len pkai baju kurung siap pkai tudung T_T)

hence, my sister n i were like the best available items to be picked on. pendek kate, mangse buli la....so, as a way of defensing myself, i reverted into seorang yang garang:D (sape2 buli aku, aku buli balik..yg lelaki mkn lutut ngan penumbuk...ishh2..ngeri igt balik)...it actually worked..they stopped picking on us..but the image of "piranha" remains (kuajo..ade ke patut pnggil aku piranha sbb aku kecik + garang???). at that moment, it was not my intention to be cool o watsoever..i juz wanted to be SAFE....hence, reverting into someone who appears to be solid, garang lg icy cold, was my way of escaping those threatening situation

da masuk skolah menengah, da xgarang2 lagi..but, itz really hard for me to be close to people, to open up n share was definitely not me...coz nearly 5 years at my old school really taught me to be extra careful with people...it was my method of escaping from everything that is unfamiliar to me...my very own escapism....i am used to do things according to my way, coz i dont really understand what they did or what they say at that time (maybe sbb environment aku kat umah sgt2 beze ngan diorg)...itz really hard to make me change my mind coz everytime i go on with the flow, i'm prone to dizziness n drowsiness (mmg kl aku ikt ckp org, asek sesat manjang..smpai aku rase aku da xknal diri sendiri)

as a result, i am who i am today....people can call me HEADSTRONG, STUBBORN,but for me i am just standing firm on what i believe is right..i am cold coz i dont think it is yet time to be warm towards others...its difficult for me to trust, since i'm afraid of being hurt..people can call it logical reasoning, escapism...but for me, it is my way of protecting myself..my self-defense mechanism..but once the ice is broken, i'm someone different :D

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


there are moments when i get so sick of everything, i feel like kicking people in their face...but of course, i cant do that..what a waste....

i'm getting sick of sleeping, watching anime and i feel like i'm wasting youth..yup..YOUTH..then y on earth am i still cuddling on my bed??good question....maybe i'm to lazy to move around

~sigh....humans never happy with what they have adeh...taskete kudasai....=_="

.::. i've done my part, so i'll juz rest my case
.::. not lost, but ditched
.::. moody, still sleepy, i think dats y i'm cranky

Saturday, April 3, 2010

rainy day + a cup of warm nescafe tarik:)

i officially announce today as d NATIONAL LAZING DAY, as i've been doing nothing except for lazing around, cuddling with my moggy, watching anime n ZZZZzzzz....

the only reason y i'm typing right now is becoz i dunno wat else to do (hahaha)...so here i am (again, siiting on my bed) with a cup of warm nescafe tarik in my hands, enjoying the sound of rain..damn great feelings (except for my exam starts this monday, and i havent started reading X_x)

mmm...this rainy mood do have an effect on me...stirring this nostalgic feeling (mcm monsson history la plak), like missing an important part within me. i've been thinking a lot bout my kid brother today..wonder how kamal is...suddenly i miss him so much..if at home, right now he'd by lying on my lap, hugging our ami....he's a grown boy now..being 14, yet so attached to his sis'...i even went to d extent of buying him hot wheels, till now. he really is a car-maniac. damn...i miss him...i guess itz becoz of our 10years difference dat i'm trying my best to get him what he likes (though my mom scolds me for doing it..hehehe)..i have only one kid bro and he's a nice kid

tnggu angah balik ye kamal..nnt angah belanja KFC:)

Friday, April 2, 2010

i'm getting back my senses (yeay!)

sitting and thinking...down memory lane, first day here till today..time glides that damn fast, now i'm sitting here, thinking and synthesizing whatever happened before...

there is this bad part, i got hurt and i reacted to self-defend myself...it wasnt good though, it still hurts..after some moment, i couldnt contain it any longer, and i was trying my best to vent my anger, still, the pain lingers within..couldnt do anything to make it go away...i tried crying, shutting u off, still it didnt work...then, i put u aside, i tried to open my eyes to the wonders around, and damn, it worked..for me, not for you....mmmm...

its reaching the end now..and i'm tired of this nerve war o silent treatment o whatever-u-wanna-name-it. seriously i'm tired. i juz wanna close my eyes, and rest..i wanna rest in peace, in serenity..i wanna fall asleep in smile, n i want u 2 feel d same

i'm letting go...i'm forgiving n i apologize...
i feel a lot calmer now..kak wi, thanks...

(but one thing, dont say o do stupid things that will make me resent this...i'm really bad at holding my temper n it would take a lot of time to let it go)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

haha..watever la

uuuu.....lack of sleep, my head feels like falling off....finishing off is juz around the corner, huhuhu, cant wait, coz i'm really looking forward of what future holds for me..yet, there is this sad feeling of leaving this sacred place

but, no emotions tonight...wanna see the wonders around here, making use of the little time left...this morning, i became a runner..from fac, meeting dr Dayang, off to PSZ (returning all those heavy books that i forgot 2 return) and straight to K9. there was a pit-stop at meranti, saw 2 cute little kitties, sleeping, cuddling one another...damn kawaii...i always have this soft spot for cats...
this is a picture of my dear cet cet...she was my first pet cat..i miss her so much..had her for few years, before she died of being poisoned...she was more than a pet..can still see her cuddling on my lap whenever i'm reading a book..she wont sleep till i go to bed together with her..damn i miss her..though i have ami now, still, cet cet is the best cat in the whole world. Ami is the 2nd best though..heeeee...

i noticed that i like rains a lot now...when i say a lot, it means A LOT..rainy days make me feel like cuddling....makes me yawn and doze off...hehe...i like watching the raindrops...beautiful n pure..like the feeling of raindrops on my fingertips....

mmmm.....beautiful day

*ah gurl, go find something interesting to do..i'm already sick of this study battle field game...i think getting a nap is much more worthy...^yawn^...u go play tennis la ah gurl..fill d free time

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

lucky me

since my practical teaching, i used to sharing my "extreme" feelings with hasu n ana...when i'm extremely angry or extremely sad, i'd juz talk to either of them, n i get my senses back

today, i was so pissed..i always hated it when people come over my line, when i'm not even interested in theirs. as usual, went to see hasu. what she told me was simple;

  • juz forgive the person. think of the good times and good things shared together (though i cant agree much with this, since my tears these few years back mostly caused by this person. but still, it eased me a bit)
  • juz take it as a blessing from above. we may find things more difficult prepared for us in the future, so itz better for us to face it today.
  • juz let them talk whatever rubbish they want. they'll understand later (and most probably stop. but who cares??)
  • tears usually come with happiness (two folds) (i have to agree on this one, cried once, laughing out loud now)
  • seems like we mean something to them. that's y the concern is there. (thanks!!!)
but, when i think again, yeah, i am lucky. i am blessed with extra cool parents who supports me in whatever i do. we may dont have a lot of money, but, we are happy. they give me the freedom to choose and to decide. i never have to hide anything from them. my dad scolds me a lot cause i'm always the troublemaker, but he's the one who sheds tears for me when i'm sick. i cant and i dont have to lie to them, coz they know me inside out. Ma, Ayah, thank you for everything.

i am lucky to have my sis' n bro..though they are not the "ideal", "super angelic" siblings, but i know they will always be by my side, never to leave me crying alone...cant believe i'm saying this..

in terms of friendship, i consider myself as "unlucky"...but the truth is, i'm so damn lucky (though i have to cry my heart out in the first place)...having best buddies (dunia akhirat insya Allah) that i call as my "scandals" (i prefer this than cheesy BFF- this term has been tainted), i am so damn lucky. i dont really give a damn what people want to label me for my "bitchy" term, itz up to them. i dont have the need nor urgency to prove myself to any of these beings (if i want to have any scandalous affair with my own gender, i do have a taste in picking any LOL.but i'm damn straight, i like guyz with muscles) ^wink^

i am who i am..people who know me inside out, would know...thank you hasu, ana n teo 4 ur beautiful friendship. i'm not d type that trusts easily, but when i befriend people, i stick till d very end..dats y, as long as i can hold on, i'd grit my teeth n keep on rolling. i appear to be cold-hearted, not giving a damn on others' feelings, but, normally, itz d other way around

i look cold, but actually, deep inside, i do feel all those emotions. i cry, i laugh and i also know how to appreciate. i do have a heart to forgive n forget, as long as people treat with heart. i cry when i'm hurt, when i'm betrayed...though i'm angry, i still pray for those who used to be dear to me...but, when i'm treated like a dirt, like a thing to be used in need, i "iced" myself, coz that is the only way i can keep on moving without falling down. but who knows this?? no one, but those few people, who supported me through the bad times.

i share my feelings with someone special. i dont have to leave the world, i dont have to lie to people to feel that i'm with him. detached in space, attached in d heart. not yet mine, n not yet his, but we're learning to trust one another. itz not perfect, but it helps me to self-healing.

damn, i am lucky. words said did hurt me, but no longer pulling me down. i am stronger. thanks 2 UTM, i've learned to grow up, to choose and to trust. i learned to forgive those who aplogize, i accept those who really wants to be by my side. i also learned to stand for my self. No more tears, no more loneliness and no more being emo chic.

Lucky me. i love my current life. i am enjoying every single second of it. concerns, opinions (if) coming from those who are really concerned, i'd try my best to stick with 'em. otherwise, save it, coz i dont need any of it. if u do care, at least, lets juz go on with our own ways (thanks for everything)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

nearly-to-end journey

today's blog would be a bit emotional..huhuhu...spending nearly 5 years here in utm, and these last two years have been a blast..never before i was this happy, surrounded by so many good people around.

nearly graduating...so many bittersweet memory here, things that i would carry within me to my deathbed...5 years of smile, laughter, tears, frustration, heartbreak and even never-healing wound, kept safely within.. damn, i'm gonna miss my days here in utm

i used to be alone, in going through stuffs goin on, but i met 2 angels (somehow regret i didnt met them earlier)..hihi, maceh cik su and ana...awak due org da mcm adik bradik kt da....syg korg sgt2..thank you for helping me to stand up and for teaching me the value of friendship..huhuhu..korg ni la yg kt akan plg rndu nnt...
to my dearest teo, haha, ko ni mmg special case la...gaye yakuza, tp ati staman bunge...ko ni pn aku akan rindu jugak..thanks for lending me ur shoulder when i'm in need....
nearly the end, i'm having loads n loads of fun with the DG's...my kecek klate is getting better n better (credits to yan, yah, aina n kak ja).

the thing that i would miss the most is having our meals together, and i'd be last to finish..sume org kene tunggu..huhu..pas2, mlm2 msg ana, ajk cari mkn (walaupun da mkn ptg 2)..ari2 mkn bnde same (nasik putih ayam kunyit ngan sup cendawan)..bile jupe udang, wat muke cuak...

paling xleh blah, aina ngan kucing..haha..i'm a cat lover, aina is a cat hater..haha...yah's birthday, pulling pranks....sume bnde yg sgt mnggembirakan. dgn makcik amy yg kalut kalo ade assg, n slalu wat aku g tdo sbb rs bsalah (die study, aku tdo)..huhu..nnt msti rindu nk ngadu ngan kak wi , g kuar minum ngan shuda bile da rase stress sgt2...huhu, saat-saat manis bile mngedik2 lagi bershava2 ngan muni...

i'm gonna miss being a teslian in utm a lot. if i were given a chance to turn back time, there's nothing i wanna...even though there are some stuffs that i learned the hard way, still, without those painful experience, i wont be who i am today

enjoying my life....
TESLove in memory :)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

hold back those tears

there are moments, when i really feel like doing nothin but curling on my bed, hugging my adie, n let the tears flow...itz like a moment of cleansing the soul, then i would sit and write, as i'm doing right now

there are moments
when the tears eager to spill,
nothing is able to hold it back
but an icy cold heart
against the mind
racing with the physique
deciding what n how
to spend the nite
right now, the eyes are listening to the mind
letting the tears falling freely
cleansing the soul
cleansing the sorrow
cleansing whatever that needs the most attention
mist clouding the eyes
damn, i cant see properly, i cant think properly
coz suddenly the heart decided to waver
couldnt take on the toll anymore

Sunday, March 7, 2010

moments of silence

so many things happened these last two weeks and i'm just so glad that everything is over. No more stinging shots, no more blood tests and no more sleepless nights.

right now, all in my mind is to cover all my lost time and focus on piles and piles of work...

as much as i want to focus, there is always this moment of silence, where i feel like cuddling and curling on my bed, thinking and cry(perhaps). True, with all the people around, still, deep inside, the feeling of loneliness is there. and there is that longing feeling, yearning for something that i myself not sure of...

tears feel like coming to pay a visit, but mind pushes it back, so that sense of security and serenity will be there, though its a fool's errand to act strong when the mind and heart are not as strong as it seems to be.

Lost in thoughts, in the abundance of commitment, yet, still so clear on the tingling sense of sadness and blue all over. when judgment being clouded by emotions, nothing much can be done..

how i wish, at this moment, i could sit and watch the sky..to sit by the window and watch raindrops..to lie down on my back, feeling the fresh green grass on my back, with eyes enjoying the sight of bright stars...yet, i dont have the time to do so...
as i am lost in my thought, in abundance of commitment...
in being a student
in being attached to person i cherish deep within me
in being me

Friday, January 29, 2010

around and around

in life, there are so many things as rise and fall, or should i say, fall and then trying really hard to rise, and sometimes u find it really hard that u decided not to rise coz it'z juz too hard..When falling can be really easy when u're alone, rising is much harder to be done alone (unless u have extra steel-strengthed will~wink). when we fall, we normally look for a shoulder to cry on..Normally, what a good shoulder would do, is juz listen and giv a few words that could make the poor soul smile..but then, there are also some shoulders who are more like taking advantage, like "pulling" the victim as new "accomplice".

ask me, dragging a "new, wounded accomplice" is stupid. Why would i ever want to drag someone to be with me, when i'm WAY BETTER the way i am now?? personally, i am never interested in making friends that way...coz i believe, that a friend, would stick with me till the end, no matter what..not just for the purpose of their own benefit, for example benefits in terms of money, assignment, "amenities" and what i see around, on assignments...yeah..sounds stupid..but that do happen. i'm never a good advice-giver, but somehow, for reason that i dunno, people are easy to open up with me..mybe becoz of my "icy cold" nature, things that i say is like, different...things are meant to be said, and some are meant to be mend..what do i say when people come to me, saying that they're broken??i let them say what they we feel inside, and if the problem comes from the person themselves, i juz ask them what do u think u shud do,..normally people know what they should do..they juz dont want to admit it..but then, to the "vic", remember to say "THANK YOU" and be THANKFUL and dont treat people like a "service counter"

but what if the fall happens include a "third party"?? what i would them is simple, think of urself ahead of others, love urself before loving others...as quoted from a fren, "WHY MAKE SOMEONE YOUR PRIORITY WHEN U ARE JUZ AN OPTION FOR THEM??" i would tell them to try mending whatever is broken, if u think itz too hard, give it some time, let it breathe, and normally things would be better after that.

the key is, never let ur emotion overrule your judgement...when emotions come first, things will be bloody ugly.

then, part 2, there is always a possibility that the "third party" thinks u r the culprit of "breaking" whatever it is with the "vic". well, stupid people say stupid thing. Juz bear in mind that NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN WHATEVER IT IS BETWEEN U N UR GUY, UR GIRL, UR NEIGHBOR, UR BFF or UR BIF..get a life...if u dont know, either ASK or SHUT UP..instead of drawing stupid conclusions, go do something worthwhile, LIKE MENDING WHAT IS WRONG BETWEEN U N WHO-SO-EVER coz NO ONE IS GONNA MEND or INTERESTED IN WHATSOEVER happening to both, three or 150 of u...when people are sad, all they need a just a pat in d back, to make them smile..if u dont have the heart or even a bit of sympathy to the person, at least let them breathe 4 a while...i juz cant get it...y cant these people juz see this simple things?? blaming others is juz a way of escaping from the truth..itz a typical escapism...

instead of bitching, saying bad things about people, y dun just sit and think...try to do something to let what ever left is working again...i'm off this kind of stupid things..coz sometimes, people feel like they are so damn cool, so damn good and they this influence over people

think before saying,
::forgiving vs. being forgiven:: people may not forgive u if what u say or did is wrong
::judging vs. being judged:: how do people really feel bout u
::how important are you?:: u may get surprised to know that people may see u as a stranger, insignificant at all
::bad words and cursing people with things::inflicts how shallow our minds are...

this is a harsh reminder to myself..huhu, remember this part
we make mistake, we fall,
we mend, we try to rise
if we fail to do so, we fail short as a human

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

don't touch what u can't eat

literally, dont eat things that you cant eat, especially when u are allergic to specific types of food ..but food is my least concern now...swollen lips, take some pills, apply some oral salt, giv it a few hours, things will be fine

"don't touch what u can't eat, and don't tell what you don't know"...we observe, and we conclude..normally, what we see is what we perceive..but, how is it the thing that we observe is not the thing that happened, and we make our conclusion, not knowing that what we concluded is not exactly the very thing that happened? eyes may deceive, heart may flutter, but brain seldom slips...

i used to jump a lot at stupid conclusions which was made by people with no relevant reasoning..but now, i think i've grown calmer...itz hard to forgive, but now, i'm cool...i'm trying my best, not to shout n express my anger....when i see something really stupid, like really stupid statement, emotion-driven statement, i take it as they DONT KNOW...

what we say, affect people..and what we do, effect people...instead of blaming others for problems in our plate, y dun think and sort...o juz use d ol' useful method of asking and clarifying...i am never perfect..till now, pieces of anger still resting within me..but i'm trying..coz i wanna die better...let mework on where i would go, let my LORD decide on how and what i've done in this world..what i've learnt, anger dont do much good...still, i'm crawling to mend this broken soul of mine..

i've stopped thinking matters of things and people who are insignificant to me...i want to perceive instead of to see, i want to listen instead of to hear, i want to mend instead of to break...i know its impossible for me to do so right now, but at least i wanna die trying.. the hardest is to apologize and to forgive...but i'm trying...

may tomorrow be a better day, for me and for you..Insya Allah

Thursday, January 21, 2010

for the one who refused to open his eyes

things happen for many reasons...and thats why sometime i justify what i did (or gonna do) as whats best for that particular moment.

i've taken a very hurting decision years back, which was painful for me and the other person. At that moment, i felt that, that was the best thing for both of us...it was only me and the other person, no one else involved. it was not on whose mistake it was, i just couldnt do it anymore, i couldnt take more of it...i choose to quit, coz at d moment, the feeling shared was more hurting than soothing. Yes, it was my mistake for walking away(i made the call), but both of us knew that things wouldnt work...the other person knew, but didnt do anything but piling up reasons and lies which broke me even more which made me reluctant to take the same path again

but that's history...and no one is running to open d good ol' book again...but somehow, my past seems to taunt me..suddenly, whatever it was, was caused by someone??c'mon...there's only two person involved in making decision, when did the third ghoul appeared??

the point is, itz over..why should dig into d closet and tell the world about it (even worse when itz not dat truthful)??i've washed my hands over you, you should do the same...

i've chosen my path, and since our path can never cross, go get a life..stop pointing fingers to others for the things happened in the past....u have ur share, i have mine