i write from my heart, based on what and how i feel..not to impress others, but to satisfy myself

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

lucky me

since my practical teaching, i used to sharing my "extreme" feelings with hasu n ana...when i'm extremely angry or extremely sad, i'd juz talk to either of them, n i get my senses back

today, i was so pissed..i always hated it when people come over my line, when i'm not even interested in theirs. as usual, went to see hasu. what she told me was simple;

  • juz forgive the person. think of the good times and good things shared together (though i cant agree much with this, since my tears these few years back mostly caused by this person. but still, it eased me a bit)
  • juz take it as a blessing from above. we may find things more difficult prepared for us in the future, so itz better for us to face it today.
  • juz let them talk whatever rubbish they want. they'll understand later (and most probably stop. but who cares??)
  • tears usually come with happiness (two folds) (i have to agree on this one, cried once, laughing out loud now)
  • seems like we mean something to them. that's y the concern is there. (thanks!!!)
but, when i think again, yeah, i am lucky. i am blessed with extra cool parents who supports me in whatever i do. we may dont have a lot of money, but, we are happy. they give me the freedom to choose and to decide. i never have to hide anything from them. my dad scolds me a lot cause i'm always the troublemaker, but he's the one who sheds tears for me when i'm sick. i cant and i dont have to lie to them, coz they know me inside out. Ma, Ayah, thank you for everything.

i am lucky to have my sis' n bro..though they are not the "ideal", "super angelic" siblings, but i know they will always be by my side, never to leave me crying alone...cant believe i'm saying this..

in terms of friendship, i consider myself as "unlucky"...but the truth is, i'm so damn lucky (though i have to cry my heart out in the first place)...having best buddies (dunia akhirat insya Allah) that i call as my "scandals" (i prefer this than cheesy BFF- this term has been tainted), i am so damn lucky. i dont really give a damn what people want to label me for my "bitchy" term, itz up to them. i dont have the need nor urgency to prove myself to any of these beings (if i want to have any scandalous affair with my own gender, i do have a taste in picking any LOL.but i'm damn straight, i like guyz with muscles) ^wink^

i am who i am..people who know me inside out, would know...thank you hasu, ana n teo 4 ur beautiful friendship. i'm not d type that trusts easily, but when i befriend people, i stick till d very end..dats y, as long as i can hold on, i'd grit my teeth n keep on rolling. i appear to be cold-hearted, not giving a damn on others' feelings, but, normally, itz d other way around

i look cold, but actually, deep inside, i do feel all those emotions. i cry, i laugh and i also know how to appreciate. i do have a heart to forgive n forget, as long as people treat with heart. i cry when i'm hurt, when i'm betrayed...though i'm angry, i still pray for those who used to be dear to me...but, when i'm treated like a dirt, like a thing to be used in need, i "iced" myself, coz that is the only way i can keep on moving without falling down. but who knows this?? no one, but those few people, who supported me through the bad times.

i share my feelings with someone special. i dont have to leave the world, i dont have to lie to people to feel that i'm with him. detached in space, attached in d heart. not yet mine, n not yet his, but we're learning to trust one another. itz not perfect, but it helps me to self-healing.

damn, i am lucky. words said did hurt me, but no longer pulling me down. i am stronger. thanks 2 UTM, i've learned to grow up, to choose and to trust. i learned to forgive those who aplogize, i accept those who really wants to be by my side. i also learned to stand for my self. No more tears, no more loneliness and no more being emo chic.

Lucky me. i love my current life. i am enjoying every single second of it. concerns, opinions (if) coming from those who are really concerned, i'd try my best to stick with 'em. otherwise, save it, coz i dont need any of it. if u do care, at least, lets juz go on with our own ways (thanks for everything)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

nearly-to-end journey

today's blog would be a bit emotional..huhuhu...spending nearly 5 years here in utm, and these last two years have been a blast..never before i was this happy, surrounded by so many good people around.

nearly graduating...so many bittersweet memory here, things that i would carry within me to my deathbed...5 years of smile, laughter, tears, frustration, heartbreak and even never-healing wound, kept safely within.. damn, i'm gonna miss my days here in utm

i used to be alone, in going through stuffs goin on, but i met 2 angels (somehow regret i didnt met them earlier)..hihi, maceh cik su and ana...awak due org da mcm adik bradik kt da....syg korg sgt2..thank you for helping me to stand up and for teaching me the value of friendship..huhuhu..korg ni la yg kt akan plg rndu nnt...
to my dearest teo, haha, ko ni mmg special case la...gaye yakuza, tp ati staman bunge...ko ni pn aku akan rindu jugak..thanks for lending me ur shoulder when i'm in need....
nearly the end, i'm having loads n loads of fun with the DG's...my kecek klate is getting better n better (credits to yan, yah, aina n kak ja).

the thing that i would miss the most is having our meals together, and i'd be last to finish..sume org kene tunggu..huhu..pas2, mlm2 msg ana, ajk cari mkn (walaupun da mkn ptg 2)..ari2 mkn bnde same (nasik putih ayam kunyit ngan sup cendawan)..bile jupe udang, wat muke cuak...

paling xleh blah, aina ngan kucing..haha..i'm a cat lover, aina is a cat hater..haha...yah's birthday, pulling pranks....sume bnde yg sgt mnggembirakan. dgn makcik amy yg kalut kalo ade assg, n slalu wat aku g tdo sbb rs bsalah (die study, aku tdo)..huhu..nnt msti rindu nk ngadu ngan kak wi , g kuar minum ngan shuda bile da rase stress sgt2...huhu, saat-saat manis bile mngedik2 lagi bershava2 ngan muni...

i'm gonna miss being a teslian in utm a lot. if i were given a chance to turn back time, there's nothing i wanna...even though there are some stuffs that i learned the hard way, still, without those painful experience, i wont be who i am today

enjoying my life....
TESLove in memory :)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

hold back those tears

there are moments, when i really feel like doing nothin but curling on my bed, hugging my adie, n let the tears flow...itz like a moment of cleansing the soul, then i would sit and write, as i'm doing right now

there are moments
when the tears eager to spill,
nothing is able to hold it back
but an icy cold heart
against the mind
racing with the physique
deciding what n how
to spend the nite
right now, the eyes are listening to the mind
letting the tears falling freely
cleansing the soul
cleansing the sorrow
cleansing whatever that needs the most attention
mist clouding the eyes
damn, i cant see properly, i cant think properly
coz suddenly the heart decided to waver
couldnt take on the toll anymore

Sunday, March 7, 2010

moments of silence

so many things happened these last two weeks and i'm just so glad that everything is over. No more stinging shots, no more blood tests and no more sleepless nights.

right now, all in my mind is to cover all my lost time and focus on piles and piles of work...

as much as i want to focus, there is always this moment of silence, where i feel like cuddling and curling on my bed, thinking and cry(perhaps). True, with all the people around, still, deep inside, the feeling of loneliness is there. and there is that longing feeling, yearning for something that i myself not sure of...

tears feel like coming to pay a visit, but mind pushes it back, so that sense of security and serenity will be there, though its a fool's errand to act strong when the mind and heart are not as strong as it seems to be.

Lost in thoughts, in the abundance of commitment, yet, still so clear on the tingling sense of sadness and blue all over. when judgment being clouded by emotions, nothing much can be done..

how i wish, at this moment, i could sit and watch the sky..to sit by the window and watch raindrops..to lie down on my back, feeling the fresh green grass on my back, with eyes enjoying the sight of bright stars...yet, i dont have the time to do so...
as i am lost in my thought, in abundance of commitment...
in being a student
in being attached to person i cherish deep within me
in being me