i write from my heart, based on what and how i feel..not to impress others, but to satisfy myself

Saturday, April 17, 2010

tonight's moon is for mourning

there were days when the sun shone
brilliantly yet burning
the heat, firing every inch of the body
every inch of the soul
damn, it was hot
the only thing that fueled the journey
was will,
was strength,
was hope
that when the night appears,
there will be no more heat,
no more pain,
the sweat would worth, every single drop of them..
in the scorching heat, the journey was continued
hoping when the moon is there
no more pain, no more sweat
only cool breeze, cooling every single inch of the fatigue soul
the dimness of the moonlight, would bring serenity
bringing joyful tear amidst the calamity
there were also time,
when the nights finally anchored its ship,
there was no cool breeze,
the night was silent,
no sound at all,
leaving the soul,
stranded alone in misery,
there was no joyful tears,
only tears,
befalling on tired cheeks
hopes starts to diminish,
that is my night
where the moon is for mourning
my mourning T_T

Monday, April 12, 2010

hai la hati T_T

jiwa xtenang..maka xlalu nk kecek london...uuuuuuu...rasenye seminggu ni pale otak mmg xleh nk berhenti berfikir...mcm ade byk sgt hal that needs to be taken into consideration..need consider on my studies (kene pulun kl nk bg lepas cgpa), financial (ujung2 sem kn...) and emotions as well...byk sgt bnde...the past and the present being intertwined, sedikit sebanyak mengeruhkan hati dan perasaan yang sedia keruh ni......

tgh2 cmni, kene jauh2 plak..adei...barula tau how it feels to be alone (b4 ni alone jgk, tp beliau selalu ade utk berkongsi)...bile bnde cmni, rase mcm ade a really big hole, trase kosong....sbb rasenye, sjk ade die, pndai da la nk kongsi2 masalah, nk senyum sensorg, naik angin gile2 pas2 terime n memaafkan.....byk sgt bnde yg dapat sejak ade beliau ni....even mulut sedikit jahat, tp bak kate beliau, xpenah la nk biar diri sensorg, mnangis dlm gelap (dulu sgt selalu..yela..pale keras mcm batu, xnk tnjuk kat org)..jadi salah k kl aku pilih utk bergerak ke dpn, tinggalkan ape yg aku rase bkn jiwa aku?n salah k kalo pastu aku pilih utk xnk pndang blkg lg n go on dgn ape yg ade dgn aku (or dgn ape yg bersisa dalam diri aku)? mmmm, senangnye la wat keputusan..bile rase kt xdpt ape yg kt nk, tuding jari kat org lain, smbil kuar air mate bahawa "saye ni mngse..die 2 wat saye camni".....bnde 2 kn xbetul..kenapa nk bg dunia tgk bnde yg pd kt xadil untuk kt, even kt tau, bnde 2 asal dari kt?

xfaham dgn whatever happened in the past..tp sndiri pn gatal jgak...nk jgak turn back, eceh, konon2 rndu..padehal xde mende pn...pada pandangan aku, HIDUP INI SGT IRONIK...aku xtau pasal hidup org len (stakat 23+ thn ni, aku jd sheela je..xde plak aku jd sesumpah)..tp normally aku akan (telah) disakiti oleh org yg aku anggp penting dalam hidup aku..oleh org yg aku anggap sgt faham aku, yg kenal aku, yg tau ati aku...xksahla dari segi ape pn..love life k, friendship k...
dari dulu, yg akn wat aku trsungkur ialah org yg sgt dear to my heart...n aku sendiri pn kdg2 da tau, tp nk jgak....manusia ni lemah, aku ni lemah...sng sgt dibuai arus..kene slalu pit-stop, pikir ape yg aku nk..ape yg aku perlu...

aku tau, hidup xsemestinye kene senyum spjg mase..n aku bersyukur sbnrnye stiap kali aku ngis 2, sbb pas2 aku akn stop n pikir..ape salah aku..pada beliau yg dulu, salah aku sbb walk away..tp bkn salah aku kl aku pilih untuk xnk mcm dulu...aku pn reti serik kot...tp bile nmpak statement2 yg mnyakitkan ati (yela, macam ko xwat salah kat aku la..byk cantik muke ko..bnde yg ko wat pn jadi salah aku...like2 ur heart g ngadu kat org ramai..abes aku ni nk ngadu nk sape??), terusik jugak ati ni...bergenang jgk air mate ni...after all, aku ni still lg pompuan kot....

2 satu balamalaika...tgh time emo2 ni, beliau xde...uuuuu..encek, pat balik T_T nk mngadu lg doblas ratus masalah.......

sparuh ati au berharap yg beliau yg dulu 2 akan bace bnde alah ni (moge ko tau betape sakitnye ati ngan ko, sbb ko xtau nk jg ape yg ade pd ko...bile da ilang, ko xnk tgk kat mn salahnye, tp suke2 ati nk slamatkan diri dgn salahkan org..typical escapism...bongok)

untuk encek beliau, mmmmmmm....mmmmmm.....isk isk isk....xtau nk ngadu kat sape..bebel dalam blog je...wuwuwuwuwu

Saturday, April 10, 2010

escapism or self-defense mechanism??

since i have a lot free time lately, i've been thinking a lot ...people have their own reason of why they are the way they are...a lot of factors influencing our behavior and attitude, parents, friends, peers and even environment (rase mcm nk bagi lecture psychology plak..tp xde kaitan pn..nk menjustify diri pny ayat..hihihih) well, i guess the same applies to myself.

nearly 24 years of breathing the air in this very earth, i think that 17 years of my life have taken much toll upon me (yela..baru2 lahir smpai umur 7 tahun, aku rase aku jiwa suci lg murni....xde keciwa2 nih) i started my school year in a girls' school..so the environment there was really like happy2, suci2 (sile bygkan background bunge2 ye)..however, when i moved to an SK in a really kampung area, things started to change as i start to perceive my surroundings in a different way...well, when i say kampung, its not like i meant it in a wrong way...they are really nice people, but they are not used to people or stuffs different than theirs...damn i was different, i was the only budak separa melayu (campur kakak aku) in d school and there was no non-Malay students in the school..it was d first time ever i feel like i'm an alien (sume ushar pelik kat aku..yela 1st day g skolah pkai pinafore..org len pkai baju kurung siap pkai tudung T_T)

hence, my sister n i were like the best available items to be picked on. pendek kate, mangse buli la....so, as a way of defensing myself, i reverted into seorang yang garang:D (sape2 buli aku, aku buli balik..yg lelaki mkn lutut ngan penumbuk...ishh2..ngeri igt balik)...it actually worked..they stopped picking on us..but the image of "piranha" remains (kuajo..ade ke patut pnggil aku piranha sbb aku kecik + garang???). at that moment, it was not my intention to be cool o watsoever..i juz wanted to be SAFE....hence, reverting into someone who appears to be solid, garang lg icy cold, was my way of escaping those threatening situation

da masuk skolah menengah, da xgarang2 lagi..but, itz really hard for me to be close to people, to open up n share was definitely not me...coz nearly 5 years at my old school really taught me to be extra careful with people...it was my method of escaping from everything that is unfamiliar to me...my very own escapism....i am used to do things according to my way, coz i dont really understand what they did or what they say at that time (maybe sbb environment aku kat umah sgt2 beze ngan diorg)...itz really hard to make me change my mind coz everytime i go on with the flow, i'm prone to dizziness n drowsiness (mmg kl aku ikt ckp org, asek sesat manjang..smpai aku rase aku da xknal diri sendiri)

as a result, i am who i am today....people can call me HEADSTRONG, STUBBORN,but for me i am just standing firm on what i believe is right..i am cold coz i dont think it is yet time to be warm towards others...its difficult for me to trust, since i'm afraid of being hurt..people can call it logical reasoning, escapism...but for me, it is my way of protecting myself..my self-defense mechanism..but once the ice is broken, i'm someone different :D

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


there are moments when i get so sick of everything, i feel like kicking people in their face...but of course, i cant do that..what a waste....

i'm getting sick of sleeping, watching anime and i feel like i'm wasting youth..yup..YOUTH..then y on earth am i still cuddling on my bed??good question....maybe i'm to lazy to move around

~sigh....humans never happy with what they have adeh...taskete kudasai....=_="

.::. i've done my part, so i'll juz rest my case
.::. not lost, but ditched
.::. moody, still sleepy, i think dats y i'm cranky

Saturday, April 3, 2010

rainy day + a cup of warm nescafe tarik:)

i officially announce today as d NATIONAL LAZING DAY, as i've been doing nothing except for lazing around, cuddling with my moggy, watching anime n ZZZZzzzz....

the only reason y i'm typing right now is becoz i dunno wat else to do (hahaha)...so here i am (again, siiting on my bed) with a cup of warm nescafe tarik in my hands, enjoying the sound of rain..damn great feelings (except for my exam starts this monday, and i havent started reading X_x)

mmm...this rainy mood do have an effect on me...stirring this nostalgic feeling (mcm monsson history la plak), like missing an important part within me. i've been thinking a lot bout my kid brother today..wonder how kamal is...suddenly i miss him so much..if at home, right now he'd by lying on my lap, hugging our ami....he's a grown boy now..being 14, yet so attached to his sis'...i even went to d extent of buying him hot wheels, till now. he really is a car-maniac. damn...i miss him...i guess itz becoz of our 10years difference dat i'm trying my best to get him what he likes (though my mom scolds me for doing it..hehehe)..i have only one kid bro and he's a nice kid

tnggu angah balik ye kamal..nnt angah belanja KFC:)

Friday, April 2, 2010

i'm getting back my senses (yeay!)

sitting and thinking...down memory lane, first day here till today..time glides that damn fast, now i'm sitting here, thinking and synthesizing whatever happened before...

there is this bad part, i got hurt and i reacted to self-defend myself...it wasnt good though, it still hurts..after some moment, i couldnt contain it any longer, and i was trying my best to vent my anger, still, the pain lingers within..couldnt do anything to make it go away...i tried crying, shutting u off, still it didnt work...then, i put u aside, i tried to open my eyes to the wonders around, and damn, it worked..for me, not for you....mmmm...

its reaching the end now..and i'm tired of this nerve war o silent treatment o whatever-u-wanna-name-it. seriously i'm tired. i juz wanna close my eyes, and rest..i wanna rest in peace, in serenity..i wanna fall asleep in smile, n i want u 2 feel d same

i'm letting go...i'm forgiving n i apologize...
i feel a lot calmer now..kak wi, thanks...

(but one thing, dont say o do stupid things that will make me resent this...i'm really bad at holding my temper n it would take a lot of time to let it go)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

haha..watever la

uuuu.....lack of sleep, my head feels like falling off....finishing off is juz around the corner, huhuhu, cant wait, coz i'm really looking forward of what future holds for me..yet, there is this sad feeling of leaving this sacred place

but, no emotions tonight...wanna see the wonders around here, making use of the little time left...this morning, i became a runner..from fac, meeting dr Dayang, off to PSZ (returning all those heavy books that i forgot 2 return) and straight to K9. there was a pit-stop at meranti, saw 2 cute little kitties, sleeping, cuddling one another...damn kawaii...i always have this soft spot for cats...
this is a picture of my dear cet cet...she was my first pet cat..i miss her so much..had her for few years, before she died of being poisoned...she was more than a pet..can still see her cuddling on my lap whenever i'm reading a book..she wont sleep till i go to bed together with her..damn i miss her..though i have ami now, still, cet cet is the best cat in the whole world. Ami is the 2nd best though..heeeee...

i noticed that i like rains a lot now...when i say a lot, it means A LOT..rainy days make me feel like cuddling....makes me yawn and doze off...hehe...i like watching the raindrops...beautiful n pure..like the feeling of raindrops on my fingertips....

mmmm.....beautiful day

*ah gurl, go find something interesting to do..i'm already sick of this study battle field game...i think getting a nap is much more worthy...^yawn^...u go play tennis la ah gurl..fill d free time