i write from my heart, based on what and how i feel..not to impress others, but to satisfy myself

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


collecting the remnants of the broken me
time glides, still my dimension remains
counting and weighing, still, i'm here in this very cubicle
never changed, never moved
the stirrings within, is more like turbulence storming inside
why cant i see, why cant i hear,
why am i deaf, why am i mute
here i am
collecting the remaining pieces of me

collecting the remnants of broken me
tears came forth, knees furled up to my chest
dark, hands covering the face
i've been here before
now i'm here again
collecting the remaining pieces of me

collecting the remnants of broken me
is it wrong to understand
to hope
to dream
after all, this is no wonderland
aware of the roller coaster ride,
but never thought it would hurt this much
when tender words are expected
when what really wanted is the feeling of being wanted,
being owned
its just too much

collecting the remaining pieces of me

all i want is to belong somewhere
where i actually mean something

**currently listening to pieces by sum 41


Thursday, November 11, 2010

those micro cuts deep inside

how does it feels when your everything is not good enough?reality check, it hurts...thoughts will come running, one after another..and when everything is not good enough to make up for the unpleasant past, there will be a point where you doubt, almost everything related, even the very beginning of it.

the thoughts and the doubts that arise, they are ugly, they really are..makes you glance to your past, thinking of all the decisions made, all the words said, all the promises made and kept (and broken) and it vexes you so much that inside you grow numb. trying to ignore the thing gnawing inside, it is not that you are being ignorant, but you care so much that it causes you less pain when you ignore the fact that you were never good enough.

sometimes, love is just not enough...and sometimes, love is the reason that you suppress everything deep inside, though you know the truth..bak kate pepatah, love the way you lie (cewahh..sejak bile plak ade pepatah baru ni dlm DBP pny kamus)...all those little lie said to protect the heart, actually hurts the most when you know the truth, a lie

after all, everything in life is perfectly imperfect :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

everything is so damn NEW!!

phew..barely 2 weeks here in Malacca..and to be frank, i actually dont have anything particular to be settled..at the moment, i'm waiting for my new (le sgt..padehal nk clear umah quarters je..ngahahahaha)  house to be habitable...suddenly i realized that starting to actually live out on your own is not an easy task..ma & ayah, i wonder what kind of problems u went through when u decided to raise a family..uishh..unthinkable n at the same time, scary...i have a few things to clear (api la, air la, contractor fee la..bla bla bla) and not to mention mental preparation to live alone in a 5-room house which was inhabited for like more than 5 months..huisshh..sedikit seram, and i'm hoping for the best and prepared for the worst..

currently, i'm perching on my desk, thinking of what to be done as my free-time fillers as i dont have any class to teach (ujung sem sude...) and being org baru, biasala, nk tegur lebih2 pn rs gerun itu masih ada..haishh...and again, reality check, baru je smpai ni...esok ok kot (ayat sedap ati..ehehehehe)

haish2..looking frward to meet my students next sem *hiyah!hiyah!* xsabar nk bg diorg rase ape yg aku rase dulu *hahahahahaha* (sile ketawa dlm tone evil eh) :D

Sunday, October 10, 2010

too hurt to care~

it is stressed here that i write to express myself, not to impress others..sebarang komen kondem-mengkondem, tidak akn dilayan (perrgghh), since i'm writing about what i feel at the moment :|

i wonder why people around me take me easy, like "its ok to do whatever, u can sweet-talk her and things will be fine"? like they can do whatever (breaking promises, say whatever) coz in the end, i "wouldn't mind" and i'll "be fine...kalau merajuk k marah k, sekejap je" well, actually, i DO mind, i am NOT fine everytime people do stuffs like that to me.

yes, i MIND when promises were broken,i MIND when things intended for me were given to somebody else (coz i never do that to people), i MIND when people were playing nice with me, i MIND when people leave me alone dangling, i DAMN MIND when people write and/or say thing behind my back yet acting miss goody-goody in front me, and i FUCKIN MIND when people treat me like i stupid, like i'm not gonna be able to find out about all the bitching and shit done on my very back...WELL I'M NOT AN OPTION! if people want me to treat them like a PRIORITY, why dont learn to do the same?

tired of being a puppet (mcm pinocchio bile kne tgkap ngan org jahat). i am a grown up, treat me like one..don't tell me what to do, each and every time. stop telling me how to make decisions..for like 24 years, i make my own decisions, i learn not to burden others, i spend most of my time ALONE when i really needed someone to guide me through....i dont need people to babysit me now, i NEEDED them then, not now. i'm a girl, not someone's wife...so please stop treating girls like they are married with 4 kids. there are no strings attached, you might wake up tomorrow, and poof, the girl is not there...i need some air to breathe, some space to grow...

the truth is, i'm just too hurt to care..and no, i'm not writing this post because i had a fight with someone. this is just something suppressed inside for too long and need a room to burst

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

its my little world

i live in a small world of my own. A handful of good friends which also includes my family and my dear partner. as far as i could remember, i have always have this little world surrounding me...i'm not good in making friends and even worse in getting attached in a relationship. because of my nature, people tend to take me as an icy cold, ignorant of what going on around me. well, the truth is, i'm just scared of all the people around me, and i prefer staying close of what i believe wont make me shrink.

a small world of my own also includes those cute furry little animals. i used to think that pets are better friends compared to people, because cats dont talk back, they dont make me cry and most importantly, they love me sincerely and i know it. but then, i met some very good people who changed my view of life.

in my little world, i also created some dreams of what and who to be included in my life. my idealistic side normally tells me to live like those in romantic vampire novels while my practical side, tells me to WAKE UP!!but then, itz ok, coz its my little world..my little secret world.

nothing thrills me even more than being able to find someone who can share my views and thoughts..i seldom speak up, because some may take me wrong and say things like i'm being radical. i love sharing ideas, thoughts and even arguments, i simply dont know why it gives me so much satisfaction..maybe because i gain something new in the end...

and finally, i think my little world is better now with a little help from my little firefly...only He knows how i feel lucky to have someone who can help me think straight and most importantly, share my views and thoughts in many aspects; from daily life till philosophy...

i love my little world...
itz little, but itz my little happy world

Saturday, September 4, 2010

racism, politik dan agama di facebook T_T

firstly, i would like to stress here, this post is an opinion or maybe more accurately described as outcome of what i've seen in fb lately..this has nothing to do with politic or whatsoever...

i am quite observant of how some current issues effect the flow of "pages" in facebook. starting with the principal giving "racist statements", yang mane aku sendiri dikenalkn thru fb (thru my sis actually) yg tnjuk gambar police report regarding the matter made by a student. secara jujur, my first respond was, macam mane seorg cikgu boleh ckp mcm ni??pelajar 2 amanah guru, wajib kita ni mengajar tanpa sebarang prejudism tak kire la ape latar belakang pelajar 2, warna kulit, bangsa apatah lg agama. but that was it la...xde further comment da..sbb kl kite buat salah, xkire la kite ni sape, kt pay for what we did...

 then i saw, pages and pages being created in fb...ade plak bkait dgn politik, kaitkan dgn racism, ade page sokong, ade page kutuk....admin siap pesan 2, jgn kaitkn dgn isu bangsa mahupun agama..tp komen-komen yg aku nampak, nauzubillah, sama naik....xkire ape bangse, same je maki2, hina2...pelik, sejak bile islam halalkn kt hina org lain?n sejak bile budaya kt ni ade warna2 memaki dan menghina??

bile mencuri, org akn kene hukum....xde pn nk kene kait dgn bangsa...so, i observed..tgk jela kn...xde pn rase nk sibuk2 kat wall k ape..juz bace, tgk flow...tp bile pndang statement hina agama, xtau la rasa tersentuh sgt...sebak rs hati bile isu agama jadi mainan emosi...saya xpernah hina org agama lain, sbb kl org lain hina agama saya, saya marah...i'm not trying to act innocent, or berlagak suci...tapi, agama 2 kn isu sensitif..i'm done with comments yg mengutuk sesama sendiri....tolonglah bukak mata..

we live in a multi-racial country...kt ada mcm2 bangsa..the only way we can live together is by respecting one another. EARN RESPECT bukan dgn memaki o merendahkan org lain...i'm not being racist..i am a walking proof of anti-racism, my bloodlines include both indian and malay blood..so my xtra xtended family ada macam2 bangsa.....jd jgn accuse saya being racist when i speak out my mind.

hanya kerana saya cintakan bangsa saya, bukan bermaksud saya ULTRA-MELAYU
hanya kerana saya sayang agama saya, bukan bermaksud saya FANATIK AGAMA
hanya kerana saya ada pegangan sendiri, bukan bermaksud saya BERKIBLATKAN POLITIK
saya cuma seorang rakyat MALAYSIA yang beragama Islam

untuk maju, kita x boleh sekadar tuding jari, maki memaki, cakap bercakap tanpa sebarang tindakan..we have to wake up and strive. bak kata Hang Tuah,

"takkan Melayu hilang di dunia"

tapi, kalau kita tak belajar berdikari dan majukan diri, tak mustahil kita hilang di tanah kita sendiri...akhlak, ilmu dan akhlak kene seiring...

p/s: untuk renungan

kerana link inilah saya menulis...jgn kerana salah seorg, habis semua disalahkan, habis isu agama dikaitkan...mungkin ade akn berkata, bnde yg xjelas..tp pd aku, utk hidup bersama, kt kene avoid some of OUR nation's taboo words. :)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

patience and keep on rolling -__-"

nearly 4months now....and suddenly i feel like i cant just sit n watch..i need to break free...gosh, sometimes, i feel like things are really hard and i really really feel like quitting and walk away.it stuns me though how people you've known for your entirely life claim that they know you inside out, but the truth is they have nothing but vague ideas about you.
and for the very first time in my life, i feel like i've lost this battle. and it hurts me the most when people who i thought understands me the most, only know how to put the blame on me, instead of supporting me....what i need right now, is not i love u and stuffs, but a fren who can listen to me crying.....
i really feel like crawling to a corner and cry...
yeah, congratz, i juz made a fool of myself, again