escapism or self-defense mechanism??

since i have a lot free time lately, i've been thinking a lot ...people have their own reason of why they are the way they are...a lot of factors influencing our behavior and attitude, parents, friends, peers and even environment (rase mcm nk bagi lecture psychology plak..tp xde kaitan pn..nk menjustify diri pny ayat..hihihih) well, i guess the same applies to myself.

nearly 24 years of breathing the air in this very earth, i think that 17 years of my life have taken much toll upon me (yela..baru2 lahir smpai umur 7 tahun, aku rase aku jiwa suci lg murni....xde keciwa2 nih) i started my school year in a girls' school..so the environment there was really like happy2, suci2 (sile bygkan background bunge2 ye)..however, when i moved to an SK in a really kampung area, things started to change as i start to perceive my surroundings in a different way...well, when i say kampung, its not like i meant it in a wrong way...they are really nice people, but they are not used to people or stuffs different than theirs...damn i was different, i was the only budak separa melayu (campur kakak aku) in d school and there was no non-Malay students in the school..it was d first time ever i feel like i'm an alien (sume ushar pelik kat aku..yela 1st day g skolah pkai pinafore..org len pkai baju kurung siap pkai tudung T_T)

hence, my sister n i were like the best available items to be picked on. pendek kate, mangse buli la....so, as a way of defensing myself, i reverted into seorang yang garang:D (sape2 buli aku, aku buli balik..yg lelaki mkn lutut ngan penumbuk...ishh2..ngeri igt balik)...it actually worked..they stopped picking on us..but the image of "piranha" remains (kuajo..ade ke patut pnggil aku piranha sbb aku kecik + garang???). at that moment, it was not my intention to be cool o watsoever..i juz wanted to be SAFE....hence, reverting into someone who appears to be solid, garang lg icy cold, was my way of escaping those threatening situation

da masuk skolah menengah, da xgarang2 lagi..but, itz really hard for me to be close to people, to open up n share was definitely not me...coz nearly 5 years at my old school really taught me to be extra careful with people...it was my method of escaping from everything that is unfamiliar to me...my very own escapism....i am used to do things according to my way, coz i dont really understand what they did or what they say at that time (maybe sbb environment aku kat umah sgt2 beze ngan diorg)...itz really hard to make me change my mind coz everytime i go on with the flow, i'm prone to dizziness n drowsiness (mmg kl aku ikt ckp org, asek sesat manjang..smpai aku rase aku da xknal diri sendiri)

as a result, i am who i am today....people can call me HEADSTRONG, STUBBORN,but for me i am just standing firm on what i believe is right..i am cold coz i dont think it is yet time to be warm towards others...its difficult for me to trust, since i'm afraid of being hurt..people can call it logical reasoning, escapism...but for me, it is my way of protecting myself..my self-defense mechanism..but once the ice is broken, i'm someone different :D