haha..watever la

uuuu.....lack of sleep, my head feels like falling off....finishing off is juz around the corner, huhuhu, cant wait, coz i'm really looking forward of what future holds for me..yet, there is this sad feeling of leaving this sacred place


but, no emotions tonight...wanna see the wonders around here, making use of the little time left...this morning, i became a runner..from fac, meeting dr Dayang, off to PSZ (returning all those heavy books that i forgot 2 return) and straight to K9. there was a pit-stop at meranti, saw 2 cute little kitties, sleeping, cuddling one another...damn kawaii...i always have this soft spot for cats...
this is a picture of my dear cet cet...she was my first pet cat..i miss her so much..had her for few years, before she died of being poisoned...she was more than a pet..can still see her cuddling on my lap whenever i'm reading a book..she wont sleep till i go to bed together with her..damn i miss her..though i have ami now, still, cet cet is the best cat in the whole world. Ami is the 2nd best though..heeeee...

i noticed that i like rains a lot now...when i say a lot, it means A LOT..rainy days make me feel like cuddling....makes me yawn and doze off...hehe...i like watching the raindrops...beautiful n pure..like the feeling of raindrops on my fingertips....

mmmm.....beautiful day

*ah gurl, go find something interesting to do..i'm already sick of this study battle field game...i think getting a nap is much more worthy...^yawn^...u go play tennis la ah gurl..fill d free time

lucky me

since my practical teaching, i used to sharing my "extreme" feelings with hasu n ana...when i'm extremely angry or extremely sad, i'd juz talk to either of them, n i get my senses back

today, i was so pissed..i always hated it when people come over my line, when i'm not even interested in theirs. as usual, went to see hasu. what she told me was simple;

• juz forgive the person. think of the good times and good things shared together (though i cant agree much with this, since my tears these few years back mostly caused by this person. but still, it eased me a bit)
• juz take it as a blessing from above. we may find things more difficult prepared for us in the future, so itz better for us to face it today.
• juz let them talk whatever rubbish they want. they'll understand later (and most probably stop. but who cares??)
• tears usually come with happiness (two folds) (i have to agree on this one, cried once, laughing out loud now)
• seems like we mean something to them. that's y the concern is there. (thanks!!!)

but, when i think again, yeah, i am lucky. i am blessed with extra cool parents who supports me in whatever i do. we may dont have a lot of money, but, we are happy. they give me the freedom to choose and to decide. i never have to hide anything from them. my dad scolds me a lot cause i'm always the troublemaker, but he's the one who sheds tears for me when i'm sick. i cant and i dont have to lie to them, coz they know me inside out. Ma, Ayah, thank you for everything.

i am lucky to have my sis' n bro..though they are not the "ideal", "super angelic" siblings, but i know they will always be by my side, never to leave me crying alone...cant believe i'm saying this..

in terms of friendship, i consider myself as "unlucky"...but the truth is, i'm so damn lucky (though i have to cry my heart out in the first place)...having best buddies (dunia akhirat insya Allah) that i call as my "scandals" (i prefer this than cheesy BFF- this term has been tainted), i am so damn lucky. i dont really give a damn what people want to label me for my "bitchy" term, itz up to them. i dont have the need nor urgency to prove myself to any of these beings (if i want to have any scandalous affair with my own gender, i do have a taste in picking any LOL.but i'm damn straight, i like guyz with muscles) ^wink^

i am who i am..people who know me inside out, would know...thank you hasu, ana n teo 4 ur beautiful friendship. i'm not d type that trusts easily, but when i befriend people, i stick till d very end..dats y, as long as i can hold on, i'd grit my teeth n keep on rolling. i appear to be cold-hearted, not giving a damn on others' feelings, but, normally, itz d other way around

i look cold, but actually, deep inside, i do feel all those emotions. i cry, i laugh and i also know how to appreciate. i do have a heart to forgive n forget, as long as people treat with heart. i cry when i'm hurt, when i'm betrayed...though i'm angry, i still pray for those who used to be dear to me...but, when i'm treated like a dirt, like a thing to be used in need, i "iced" myself, coz that is the only way i can keep on moving without falling down. but who knows this?? no one, but those few people, who supported me through the bad times.

i share my feelings with someone special. i dont have to leave the world, i dont have to lie to people to feel that i'm with him. detached in space, attached in d heart. not yet mine, n not yet his, but we're learning to trust one another. itz not perfect, but it helps me to self-healing.

damn, i am lucky. words said did hurt me, but no longer pulling me down. i am stronger. thanks 2 UTM, i've learned to grow up, to choose and to trust. i learned to forgive those who aplogize, i accept those who really wants to be by my side. i also learned to stand for my self. No more tears, no more loneliness and no more being emo chic.

Lucky me. i love my current life. i am enjoying every single second of it. concerns, opinions (if) coming from those who are really concerned, i'd try my best to stick with 'em. otherwise, save it, coz i dont need any of it. if u do care, at least, lets juz go on with our own ways (thanks for everything)

nearly-to-end journey

today's blog would be a bit emotional..huhuhu...spending nearly 5 years here in utm, and these last two years have been a blast..never before i was this happy, surrounded by so many good people around.

nearly graduating...so many bittersweet memory here, things that i would carry within me to my deathbed...5 years of smile, laughter, tears, frustration, heartbreak and even never-healing wound, kept safely within.. damn, i'm gonna miss my days here in utm

i used to be alone, in going through stuffs goin on, but i met 2 angels (somehow regret i didnt met them earlier)..hihi, maceh cik su and ana...awak due org da mcm adik bradik kt da....syg korg sgt2..thank you for helping me to stand up and for teaching me the value of friendship..huhuhu..korg ni la yg kt akan plg rndu nnt...
to my dearest teo, haha, ko ni mmg special case la...gaye yakuza, tp ati staman bunge...ko ni pn aku akan rindu jugak..thanks for lending me ur shoulder when i'm in need....
nearly the end, i'm having loads n loads of fun with the DG's...my kecek klate is getting better n better (credits to yan, yah, aina n kak ja).

the thing that i would miss the most is having our meals together, and i'd be last to finish..sume org kene tunggu..huhu..pas2, mlm2 msg ana, ajk cari mkn (walaupun da mkn ptg 2)..ari2 mkn bnde same (nasik putih ayam kunyit ngan sup cendawan)..bile jupe udang, wat muke cuak...

paling xleh blah, aina ngan kucing..haha..i'm a cat lover, aina is a cat hater..haha...yah's birthday, pulling pranks....sume bnde yg sgt mnggembirakan. dgn makcik amy yg kalut kalo ade assg, n slalu wat aku g tdo sbb rs bsalah (die study, aku tdo)..huhu..nnt msti rindu nk ngadu ngan kak wi , g kuar minum ngan shuda bile da rase stress sgt2...huhu, saat-saat manis bile mngedik2 lagi bershava2 ngan muni...

i'm gonna miss being a teslian in utm a lot. if i were given a chance to turn back time, there's nothing i wanna...even though there are some stuffs that i learned the hard way, still, without those painful experience, i wont be who i am today

enjoying my life....
TESLove in memory :)

hold back those tears

there are moments, when i really feel like doing nothin but curling on my bed, hugging my adie, n let the tears flow...itz like a moment of cleansing the soul, then i would sit and write, as i'm doing right now


there are moments
when the tears eager to spill,
nothing is able to hold it back
but an icy cold heart
against the mind
racing with the physique
deciding what n how
to spend the nite
right now, the eyes are listening to the mind
letting the tears falling freely
cleansing the soul
cleansing the sorrow
cleansing whatever that needs the most attention
mist clouding the eyes
damn, i cant see properly, i cant think properly
coz suddenly the heart decided to waver
couldnt take on the toll anymore

moments of silence

so many things happened these last two weeks and i'm just so glad that everything is over. No more stinging shots, no more blood tests and no more sleepless nights.

right now, all in my mind is to cover all my lost time and focus on piles and piles of work...

as much as i want to focus, there is always this moment of silence, where i feel like cuddling and curling on my bed, thinking and cry(perhaps). True, with all the people around, still, deep inside, the feeling of loneliness is there. and there is that longing feeling, yearning for something that i myself not sure of...

tears feel like coming to pay a visit, but mind pushes it back, so that sense of security and serenity will be there, though its a fool's errand to act strong when the mind and heart are not as strong as it seems to be.

Lost in thoughts, in the abundance of commitment, yet, still so clear on the tingling sense of sadness and blue all over. when judgment being clouded by emotions, nothing much can be done..

how i wish, at this moment, i could sit and watch the sky..to sit by the window and watch raindrops..to lie down on my back, feeling the fresh green grass on my back, with eyes enjoying the sight of bright stars...yet, i dont have the time to do so...
as i am lost in my thought, in abundance of commitment...
in being a student
in being attached to person i cherish deep within me
in being me

around and around

in life, there are so many things as rise and fall, or should i say, fall and then trying really hard to rise, and sometimes u find it really hard that u decided not to rise coz it'z juz too hard..When falling can be really easy when u're alone, rising is much harder to be done alone (unless u have extra steel-strengthed will~wink). when we fall, we normally look for a shoulder to cry on..Normally, what a good shoulder would do, is juz listen and giv a few words that could make the poor soul smile..but then, there are also some shoulders who are more like taking advantage, like "pulling" the victim as new "accomplice".

ask me, dragging a "new, wounded accomplice" is stupid. Why would i ever want to drag someone to be with me, when i'm WAY BETTER the way i am now?? personally, i am never interested in making friends that way...coz i believe, that a friend, would stick with me till the end, no matter what..not just for the purpose of their own benefit, for example benefits in terms of money, assignment, "amenities" and what i see around, on assignments...yeah..sounds stupid..but that do happen. i'm never a good advice-giver, but somehow, for reason that i dunno, people are easy to open up with me..mybe becoz of my "icy cold" nature, things that i say is like, different...things are meant to be said, and some are meant to be mend..what do i say when people come to me, saying that they're broken??i let them say what they we feel inside, and if the problem comes from the person themselves, i juz ask them what do u think u shud do,..normally people know what they should do..they juz dont want to admit it..but then, to the "vic", remember to say "THANK YOU" and be THANKFUL and dont treat people like a "service counter"

but what if the fall happens include a "third party"?? what i would them is simple, think of urself ahead of others, love urself before loving others...as quoted from a fren, "WHY MAKE SOMEONE YOUR PRIORITY WHEN U ARE JUZ AN OPTION FOR THEM??" i would tell them to try mending whatever is broken, if u think itz too hard, give it some time, let it breathe, and normally things would be better after that.

the key is, never let ur emotion overrule your judgement...when emotions come first, things will be bloody ugly.

then, part 2, there is always a possibility that the "third party" thinks u r the culprit of "breaking" whatever it is with the "vic". well, stupid people say stupid thing. Juz bear in mind that NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN WHATEVER IT IS BETWEEN U N UR GUY, UR GIRL, UR NEIGHBOR, UR BFF or UR BIF..get a life...if u dont know, either ASK or SHUT UP..instead of drawing stupid conclusions, go do something worthwhile, LIKE MENDING WHAT IS WRONG BETWEEN U N WHO-SO-EVER coz NO ONE IS GONNA MEND or INTERESTED IN WHATSOEVER happening to both, three or 150 of u...when people are sad, all they need a just a pat in d back, to make them smile..if u dont have the heart or even a bit of sympathy to the person, at least let them breathe 4 a while...i juz cant get it...y cant these people juz see this simple things?? blaming others is juz a way of escaping from the truth..itz a typical escapism...

instead of bitching, saying bad things about people, y dun just sit and think...try to do something to let what ever left is working again...i'm off this kind of stupid things..coz sometimes, people feel like they are so damn cool, so damn good and they this influence over people

think before saying,
::forgiving vs. being forgiven:: people may not forgive u if what u say or did is wrong
::judging vs. being judged:: how do people really feel bout u
::how important are you?:: u may get surprised to know that people may see u as a stranger, insignificant at all
::bad words and cursing people with things::inflicts how shallow our minds are...

this is a harsh reminder to myself..huhu, remember this part
we make mistake, we fall,
we mend, we try to rise
if we fail to do so, we fail short as a human

don't touch what u can't eat

literally, dont eat things that you cant eat, especially when u are allergic to specific types of food ..but food is my least concern now...swollen lips, take some pills, apply some oral salt, giv it a few hours, things will be fine

"don't touch what u can't eat, and don't tell what you don't know"...we observe, and we conclude..normally, what we see is what we perceive..but, how is it the thing that we observe is not the thing that happened, and we make our conclusion, not knowing that what we concluded is not exactly the very thing that happened? eyes may deceive, heart may flutter, but brain seldom slips...

i used to jump a lot at stupid conclusions which was made by people with no relevant reasoning..but now, i think i've grown calmer...itz hard to forgive, but now, i'm cool...i'm trying my best, not to shout n express my anger....when i see something really stupid, like really stupid statement, emotion-driven statement, i take it as they DONT KNOW...

what we say, affect people..and what we do, effect people...instead of blaming others for problems in our plate, y dun think and sort...o juz use d ol' useful method of asking and clarifying...i am never perfect..till now, pieces of anger still resting within me..but i'm trying..coz i wanna die better...let mework on where i would go, let my LORD decide on how and what i've done in this world..what i've learnt, anger dont do much good...still, i'm crawling to mend this broken soul of mine..

i've stopped thinking matters of things and people who are insignificant to me...i want to perceive instead of to see, i want to listen instead of to hear, i want to mend instead of to break...i know its impossible for me to do so right now, but at least i wanna die trying.. the hardest is to apologize and to forgive...but i'm trying...

may tomorrow be a better day, for me and for you..Insya Allah