hold back those tears

there are moments, when i really feel like doing nothin but curling on my bed, hugging my adie, n let the tears flow...itz like a moment of cleansing the soul, then i would sit and write, as i'm doing right now


there are moments
when the tears eager to spill,
nothing is able to hold it back
but an icy cold heart
against the mind
racing with the physique
deciding what n how
to spend the nite
right now, the eyes are listening to the mind
letting the tears falling freely
cleansing the soul
cleansing the sorrow
cleansing whatever that needs the most attention
mist clouding the eyes
damn, i cant see properly, i cant think properly
coz suddenly the heart decided to waver
couldnt take on the toll anymore

moments of silence

so many things happened these last two weeks and i'm just so glad that everything is over. No more stinging shots, no more blood tests and no more sleepless nights.

right now, all in my mind is to cover all my lost time and focus on piles and piles of work...

as much as i want to focus, there is always this moment of silence, where i feel like cuddling and curling on my bed, thinking and cry(perhaps). True, with all the people around, still, deep inside, the feeling of loneliness is there. and there is that longing feeling, yearning for something that i myself not sure of...

tears feel like coming to pay a visit, but mind pushes it back, so that sense of security and serenity will be there, though its a fool's errand to act strong when the mind and heart are not as strong as it seems to be.

Lost in thoughts, in the abundance of commitment, yet, still so clear on the tingling sense of sadness and blue all over. when judgment being clouded by emotions, nothing much can be done..

how i wish, at this moment, i could sit and watch the sky..to sit by the window and watch raindrops..to lie down on my back, feeling the fresh green grass on my back, with eyes enjoying the sight of bright stars...yet, i dont have the time to do so...
as i am lost in my thought, in abundance of commitment...
in being a student
in being attached to person i cherish deep within me
in being me

around and around

in life, there are so many things as rise and fall, or should i say, fall and then trying really hard to rise, and sometimes u find it really hard that u decided not to rise coz it'z juz too hard..When falling can be really easy when u're alone, rising is much harder to be done alone (unless u have extra steel-strengthed will~wink). when we fall, we normally look for a shoulder to cry on..Normally, what a good shoulder would do, is juz listen and giv a few words that could make the poor soul smile..but then, there are also some shoulders who are more like taking advantage, like "pulling" the victim as new "accomplice".

ask me, dragging a "new, wounded accomplice" is stupid. Why would i ever want to drag someone to be with me, when i'm WAY BETTER the way i am now?? personally, i am never interested in making friends that way...coz i believe, that a friend, would stick with me till the end, no matter what..not just for the purpose of their own benefit, for example benefits in terms of money, assignment, "amenities" and what i see around, on assignments...yeah..sounds stupid..but that do happen. i'm never a good advice-giver, but somehow, for reason that i dunno, people are easy to open up with me..mybe becoz of my "icy cold" nature, things that i say is like, different...things are meant to be said, and some are meant to be mend..what do i say when people come to me, saying that they're broken??i let them say what they we feel inside, and if the problem comes from the person themselves, i juz ask them what do u think u shud do,..normally people know what they should do..they juz dont want to admit it..but then, to the "vic", remember to say "THANK YOU" and be THANKFUL and dont treat people like a "service counter"

but what if the fall happens include a "third party"?? what i would them is simple, think of urself ahead of others, love urself before loving others...as quoted from a fren, "WHY MAKE SOMEONE YOUR PRIORITY WHEN U ARE JUZ AN OPTION FOR THEM??" i would tell them to try mending whatever is broken, if u think itz too hard, give it some time, let it breathe, and normally things would be better after that.

the key is, never let ur emotion overrule your judgement...when emotions come first, things will be bloody ugly.

then, part 2, there is always a possibility that the "third party" thinks u r the culprit of "breaking" whatever it is with the "vic". well, stupid people say stupid thing. Juz bear in mind that NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN WHATEVER IT IS BETWEEN U N UR GUY, UR GIRL, UR NEIGHBOR, UR BFF or UR BIF..get a life...if u dont know, either ASK or SHUT UP..instead of drawing stupid conclusions, go do something worthwhile, LIKE MENDING WHAT IS WRONG BETWEEN U N WHO-SO-EVER coz NO ONE IS GONNA MEND or INTERESTED IN WHATSOEVER happening to both, three or 150 of u...when people are sad, all they need a just a pat in d back, to make them smile..if u dont have the heart or even a bit of sympathy to the person, at least let them breathe 4 a while...i juz cant get it...y cant these people juz see this simple things?? blaming others is juz a way of escaping from the truth..itz a typical escapism...

instead of bitching, saying bad things about people, y dun just sit and think...try to do something to let what ever left is working again...i'm off this kind of stupid things..coz sometimes, people feel like they are so damn cool, so damn good and they this influence over people

think before saying,
::forgiving vs. being forgiven:: people may not forgive u if what u say or did is wrong
::judging vs. being judged:: how do people really feel bout u
::how important are you?:: u may get surprised to know that people may see u as a stranger, insignificant at all
::bad words and cursing people with things::inflicts how shallow our minds are...

this is a harsh reminder to myself..huhu, remember this part
we make mistake, we fall,
we mend, we try to rise
if we fail to do so, we fail short as a human

don't touch what u can't eat

literally, dont eat things that you cant eat, especially when u are allergic to specific types of food ..but food is my least concern now...swollen lips, take some pills, apply some oral salt, giv it a few hours, things will be fine

"don't touch what u can't eat, and don't tell what you don't know"...we observe, and we conclude..normally, what we see is what we perceive..but, how is it the thing that we observe is not the thing that happened, and we make our conclusion, not knowing that what we concluded is not exactly the very thing that happened? eyes may deceive, heart may flutter, but brain seldom slips...

i used to jump a lot at stupid conclusions which was made by people with no relevant reasoning..but now, i think i've grown calmer...itz hard to forgive, but now, i'm cool...i'm trying my best, not to shout n express my anger....when i see something really stupid, like really stupid statement, emotion-driven statement, i take it as they DONT KNOW...

what we say, affect people..and what we do, effect people...instead of blaming others for problems in our plate, y dun think and sort...o juz use d ol' useful method of asking and clarifying...i am never perfect..till now, pieces of anger still resting within me..but i'm trying..coz i wanna die better...let mework on where i would go, let my LORD decide on how and what i've done in this world..what i've learnt, anger dont do much good...still, i'm crawling to mend this broken soul of mine..

i've stopped thinking matters of things and people who are insignificant to me...i want to perceive instead of to see, i want to listen instead of to hear, i want to mend instead of to break...i know its impossible for me to do so right now, but at least i wanna die trying.. the hardest is to apologize and to forgive...but i'm trying...

may tomorrow be a better day, for me and for you..Insya Allah

for the one who refused to open his eyes

things happen for many reasons...and thats why sometime i justify what i did (or gonna do) as whats best for that particular moment.

i've taken a very hurting decision years back, which was painful for me and the other person. At that moment, i felt that, that was the best thing for both of us...it was only me and the other person, no one else involved. it was not on whose mistake it was, i just couldnt do it anymore, i couldnt take more of it...i choose to quit, coz at d moment, the feeling shared was more hurting than soothing. Yes, it was my mistake for walking away(i made the call), but both of us knew that things wouldnt work...the other person knew, but didnt do anything but piling up reasons and lies which broke me even more which made me reluctant to take the same path again

but that's history...and no one is running to open d good ol' book again...but somehow, my past seems to taunt me..suddenly, whatever it was, was caused by someone??c'mon...there's only two person involved in making decision, when did the third ghoul appeared??

the point is, itz over..why should dig into d closet and tell the world about it (even worse when itz not dat truthful)??i've washed my hands over you, you should do the same...

i've chosen my path, and since our path can never cross, go get a life..stop pointing fingers to others for the things happened in the past....u have ur share, i have mine

static

there is a moment, where i feel like everything around me moves so fast, while i'm still there, not changed even a bit..kinda heartbreaking..when looking around, it feels like everything moves so fast, i cant do a damn hell to change who and what i am...it hurts to feel this way, like i'm incapable to adapt myself in this world....
i have to sit n think..what i want, what i will do...think and think and start moving

when boredom attacks

sitting on my bed, doing nothing..tired of tossing and turning..so i decided to write..one whole day of doing nothing really drives me nut..huhu, still me being too lazy to do whatever that could be done..geez....
sitting alone like this, really makes my mind wonder, of how things should have been..how some stuffs could be done, or should have been in different way...one whole month, (oso doing nothing) at home, opens my eyes on few stuffs..mybe itz juz me, since itz from my own point of view...people are quick to judge..mmm, this is not right, this is wrong..dont do this, dont do that..well, as me n my sis, are mixed-masalas, there are some stuffs that (if) we do, will be extremely wrong, but if others do it, itz ok...why should there be this double-standard attitude?points to ponder..not pointing fingers, but itz juz a thing to be thought of...because of that, now, i'll think twice before placing 'titles' o 'labels' onto people..damn hard when it happens to me lol
i was surfing the net, going through my network sites, when i came across a shocking profile..a girl, aged 19, 'offering' herself at the price of 50bucks....i was kinda sad looking at d profile, she's juz 19..could be a bright kid, going on the wrong path...the thing that flashed into my mind was 'how if the girl is my student, o my daughter o someone related to me (God forbid)'..gosh, that gave me goosebumps...pray to God, that no girl will face that situation...we cant afford to sit back and watch destruction..especially when it happens to our kind..i'm not being racist, i'm saying this because i love my kind, my people
reality check, i'm still bored, facing a bowl of megi...waaaa....sux